I was a reading a book a moment ago about a man who was struggling with the meaning of life. To make a point at one moment he talked about a friend, Bob, that wrote down almost all of his memories. He wrote them down he said "because a memory has no meaning if it is lost". It inspired me to think of some of my memories. Its amazing wheat your mind goes back to, no matter how random it was.
I remember having my own room. Waking up as the sun shown through my enormous windows on the second level of the house we later sold. I remember feeling alive. First learning to enjoy the little things. I remember finding God when i was trying to look other places. It all felt so right, so good.
I remember in middle school, before i was home schooled, getting numerous awards for attendance and high grades. Then feeling horrible when my friends didn't feel so great about my boasting.
I remember crying to Manchester Orchestra because i needed to cry and Andy Hull's pain was enough for me.
I remember skinny dipping in my underground pool in the back yard of my old house when i was about 11 or so.
That reminds me of the Robinsons. Swimming with them (clothed) and how much fun it was to enjoy their company. And pushing my dad into the pool when he had his work clothes on time, after time.
I remember when i had my first kiss. Being so afraid and ironically showing the affection in front of everyone on my school bus. Which is a big deal in Elementary school.
I remember my first fight. It was "Friday night fights". Muay Thai fighting was a favorite of mine and i got the confidence to enter the brawls. Andrew was 21 years old and an ex-weightlifter. He was a dick (pardon my english) and on one occasion broke my fathers nose when they were only sparing. We got into the ring with pads that only protected fists and shins. I was so nervous. So, so nervous. It was exhilarating. Adrenaline surged through me and it was one of the funnest, most challenging things i've ever done. He gave me a bloody nose, in which i returned the favor and made him throw up. I beat the crap out of him after that and enjoyed every minute of it.
I remember what followed that day. The want, almost a need to have power. So much pain came after that because i hadn't stabilized my faith and my morals as well as i could have. I was on the fence, do i let myself go to God and trust his power? Or do i isolate my thoughts and love, using independence and anger to full power? To have others fear me was such a want for me at that time. Not even that but because it was easier, because to become comfortable and build walls around my heart was a fool proof plan at the time. In the end, i chose God. Which i have no regrets about.
I remember the first time i saw Adrienne. I had an urgency to be hers. That urgency continues, but in a different way; which is to give her the love and affection she deserves. Cheesy but true.
I remember the lice inspections at Riverside Elementary. Standing in line for countless minutes, praying i wasn't the token infected kid.
I remember when i used to have a fan club. I was about 7 and said i thought it was dumb. but was secretly flattered and loved the fact those girls liked me so much.
I remember telling Cassie i would go out with her after she asked for 10 minutes straight. I broke up with her an hour later. I still feel like a jerk for that.
I remember when i broke my leg and watched NCIS with my mom and built that relationship up from the small connection we had. Six months of that. She also smuggled chocolate into my house all the time without the knowledge of it reaching my dad or brother.
I remember spending so much time indulging in the book Eragon and Eldest because i thought it applied to my life at the time. In some ways, i still believe it did/does.
I remember breaking 7 ribs all along my back on Mac and Fonda's trampoline, or rather the metal on the side of their trampoline. Rowdy (a friend of mine who is only 12) was the only one who stayed at my side while i bawled my eyes out for 30 minutes. The rest went and ate lunch. He showed me that day how soft his heart was.
I remember skiing in Sipipou, New Mexico and making my dad follow me down the double black diamond that mine and my brother's, young, careless minds had learned to ski down in only two days.
I remember talking to most of my middle school teachers for so long after my classes. Just talking and enjoying my time.
I remember hunts that blew my mind. When the weather was only fully enjoyed with hours of patience and appreciation. Storms that made the earth shudder, sunrises that could have distracted you from the most horrible states of mind. Snow that was so beautiful and so bright, like it was a white blanket laid over the earth.
I remember cutting down 8 foot tall sunflowers with swords that my friend Evan owned. Im just realizing how unsafe that really was.
I really could go on. Thinking of these memories have only opened doors in the cobweb-filled parts of my brain. Its so odd thinking back on these times, the smells, the thoughts the love and anger i experienced through all of it. I think Bob was wrong though, life isn't wasted if you don't remember all of it. Life has shaped me, and if Donald Miller thinks that talking with God consists of looking back on times then so be it. But id rather show God who i've become then who i once was.
Side Note: Today, i have an even better appreciation on the blessings in my life. Especially the people. And in some cases (a lot of cases), a certain person ;)
"Halle Halle Hallelujah
Holy Holy is the sound.
And I hope, I hope you are tired out.
And I know, I know there is joy endowed.
But I was asleep,
And he woke me up again,
And he woke me up again to say...
Hold on, hold on to your old ways
Or put off, put off every old face.
And I know, I know you are changed out.
And I hope, I hope you're arranged out.
But I'm still asleep
And you woke me up again.
And I'm still asleep
But you woke me up to leave"
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