Machinery.

There is no God.
Any feelings we arrange into thought come from an aging need for survival. That's all we are.

I read a book, a couple days ago. The author goes from the simplest beginnings of science history into the most recent scientific discoveries. He brilliantly concludes throughout this book that we are only vessels for DNA. Just bodies that have been designed from accidental mutations and some intentional improvements to become what we now call life. DNA's constant processing and creating is the only reason we have come to be. 

Its incredibly believable. Not to mention heart-shatteringly hopeless.

This book just broke whatever hold i had on my belief of God. It still lingers, and breaks me down only for the fact that the faith im leaving is so much better than any pragmatic view i could hold. Yet i just cannot believe in my Lord anymore. 

It sickens me. Absolutely sickens me.
Think of it this way. 
For me, and many Christians, the philosophy of God is that he created us (through evolution, creationism or any other timeline) with the purest intentions of love. The God that i know instills a love in me. He reminds me that we are not selfish creatures at our deepest level, in fact God gives us the strength to dig deeper and allow ourselves to genuinely love others for nothing in return.
This is staggeringly different than what life is. A disbelief in God only concludes the fact that we are machines. Made from the fibers of DNA and the materials of molecules that aren't really as special as we thought 50 years ago. (we are already creating real tissue-based organs to be used in replacement of our own damaged ones) If you think about it we are robots. Our minds have been trained to perceive information to certain compartments, analyze this information and simply react accordingly. If you start realizing that there is no soul in play, things start looking a whole lot different.

So here we are. We are selfish, needy people. We do things for self gratification, vindication and personal happiness. And that's it. There is no hopeful inner side to us, there is no genuine love for one another. We will only love when we get something in return. 

If only i could figure out where to go from here. 
My next step just feels like a breakdown. 

"I don't know who you are, and it's too hard
To keep pretending that you're more
Than the mark of an old scar
That doesn't hurt anymore.
And I've grown numb of the fear
That everything I've done
Was being controlled by the father, by the son, 
By the holy ghost you've become.

But I would fold my hands and buckle to my knees, 
And I would pray the sky would fall down on me.
And I would stumble to the shore to be baptized in the waves
If it meant that everything we know doesn't go away, someday.

And I know my mother cries
When she realizes I don't love you like she does, 
But still she bows her head and prays that you forgive me.
So what does that make me?
The unloving, ungrateful son of a saint?
What if that makes me the monster an angel raised?

But I would fold my hands and buckle to my knees, 
And I would pray the sky would fall down on me.
And I would stumble to the shore to be baptized in the waves
If it meant that everything we know doesn't go away, 
Someday.

It's so cold in the shadow of their faith, 
But I will not be crushed for heaven's sake."

Chicken

 I'm so fucking sick of this Chick'fil'a, or however the hell its "spelled". But not the company itself. But the bullshit that surrounds it.
Today, i was reading a facebook status update my friend typed up about how ignorant Christians are for "pushing beliefs onto everyone" and then that same day sends me an invitation to protest the beliefs of Chick'fil'a by sitting outside a few of their restaurants with signs proclaiming how stupid it is to be against gay marriage.

Are you fucking serious? You (and the other protesters) are so blinded by telling someone that they are wrong that you didn't realize that you are doing the same exact thing as these ignorant Christians. 
Essentially, your opinions are "right", so its okay to tell them that they are wrong. However, they told the gay community that they shouldn't marry and most of the atheist community goes up in arms. 
No one sees how hypocritical this is??

Im not saying either one is correct, which is the point. How can we not fucking see that fighting fire with fire is the wrong thing to do? 


            "No! Lets protest those opinionated bastards!"

Haven't we learn to respect each other opinions by now? Atheist who are for protesting and calling out those stupid Christians, and Christians who are retaliating once again: Stop.
You are grown fucking adults. You should know that peoples opinions are going to differ, so respect them. Both sides are going to be more understanding to a perspective that is simply debated. Or at least talked about. 

Oh? They didn't change their beliefs in the 2 minutes you called them out for being stupid and ignorant (both are guilty parties)?? Well, they are just close-minded and below me, and im going to put a bumper sticker on my car, and some "MEMES" on facebook in hopes of angering them to death. Then, ill be able to catch them making a mistake in and get the upper hand on showing them im right. Validation! 

              Im sick of this. Go do something productive and stop having comment wars. Dammit. 



Also! "I haven't seen this many Christians in a food drive"
Really? When was the last time you were at a food drive and not making assumptions on facebook about other people not doing the same things your not doing?
I recommend you google what Christians have done for people and the money they've given. Especially churches.. You'll be surprised.

The I Am

 No, i'm not able to see things as they really are. I am biased and look through the glasses of a cynical man.
I am not able to love fully. I'm not able to be free of hatred, and hear the lyrics of other perspectives. 
 I asked myself to not fill my heart with the glory of objects. Instead, i asked myself to find my glory through the pride of myself, and of others. because i was smart enough to know that it was not through materials, but at the heart of man was the need to feel loved and receive vindication. If there then, was no God, it must be reached through others.
 
I rather find myself humbled. I am aware of the gaping hole that has torn through my chest. And no distraction can keep it filled for more than a minute. I tried to love sincerely, but found myself apethetic. How is this not the correct way? it is the only logical thing to believe. How can i not be happy when evolution has brought us to this stage. I figured out the switched to deliver the right chemicals to the right places. And yet, no matter how i try, i am not happy. 

Maybe i was right before. I can not do this myself. I can not truly be selfless even with support from those who love me. To be selfless and sincere is the only way for me to be fully content.

I suppose God was the only thing that felt authentic, and gave me a glory that allowed my eyes to open to other people. 

Right Away, Great Captain!

I wish i could be a better friend.
I wish i could kept my room clean for more than 4 days at a time.
i wish i became a better Thai fighter without have having to go through all of this tough shit again.
I wish things made as much sense as they used to.
I wish i had the woman of my life in my arms.
I wish every other girl would just stop texting me about how "cute" i am, when all they really long for is attention from a culturally acceptable guy.
I wish i was better at letting people down.
I wish i had enough money to get out of this house.
Or maybe i just want to be alone more often.
I wish i conducted myself in a better manner than usual.
I wish i wasn't so manipulative.
I wish i didn't have such a 17 year-old face.
I wish God would speak.
I wish my clothes would wash themselves.
I wish Andy Hull would finally find peace, and make an uplifting CD so that i didn't get depressed every time i listened to one of his brilliant albums.
I wish i could enjoy the little things like i used too.
I wish that i would stop craving pop.
I wish i wasn't so selfish.

The pictures don't lie

 The mirror said everything. The deepened notches in my skin, the hardened expression, undercoated with a gentleness i have been fighting for my whole life. I saw the trials of my faith, the trails of my own strength. I have grown so much, i have done so much. Love has seeped in my veins just as power has drained from then. I broke down the levies of my coldness and the warmth rushed through me.
 Friends have come and gone, with that my old self. I have changed so much. And in this moment i realize that i am not the same person. It's frightening, and as far away from my comfort zone as i have ever gotten. I have been tried only to fail, and i have been humbled only to succeed. My hands are strong now. And im ready to be whoever i am now.
 I want to show a different power, one that is much deeper than pride can ever sink. I want to let it run from my mouth like honey. A new touch, i new care for the world. A hope that carries me past my future trails. I have just begun, but weak i am not. And i intend to show each person the new fibers of my being.
 I've been hanging by the last threads, but God has sewn them into something beautiful. I thank him every time he patches me up.
 There is so much i have yet to learn and so much i have yet to show and grow in, but right now, as i look into this mirror, i can feel the passion well up. Im free to love myself.
And with that, i can love you.

Im further along than i have ever come.