Maybe God has given me a life without something horrible and life changing because he wants me to be aware of the underlying problems, below all of things that can happen. I see people blaming their problems, or personalities on a raping, or death, or losing everything they have ever worked for. Any of these things could change your life. I see the truth to their blame.
Maybe, for some odd reason, God knew i would blame any deep thought on a happening and not on the entirety of our state as people. What i mean to say, is that i would justify my misbehavior, and sulk into myself for no other reason than knowing it just had to have been from something worldly. That is my personality after all. I would miss the fact that we are just empty without God, and every tragedy is surfaced from that. That one, simple, profound "fact".
I spend so much time thinking of ways to bring hope to people that are broken, broken from something or someone. But the logic just doesn't seem to bring any hope from their problems. Maybe God has given me a clean slate and mind to realize this fully. And know that there is more to our heart and disconnection than just what happens from worldly tragedies.
It is obviously a blessing, but im seeing so much more without the fog of any broken past. Im figuring it out, i can feel my heart closing in on something brilliant. It's so mysterious, and my heart pounds at the pleasure.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Candles are Fragile
I wanted to call up a friend today and ask her why she believes there is a God. Before going through this phase, she was pretty opened minded, with parents that, i assume, didn't force a religion on her. She is still open-minded in a way that allows a person to be, while still being confident in their beliefs. Although i always wondered why she chose to believe.
Mostly, i wanted to rekindle some flame in my heart that had been burnt out from a life of living for God. Not that living for God is a bad thing, but my envy is constructed from seeing the excitement for God, and love, possibly in a general hope i still have a hard time explaining in words, that seems to be set in to every new believer. Even for the general spiritualists that have undergone some traumatic life scenario, close death, or near death experience themselves. They all have this light that illuminates out of their words, actions. You can see the glow in their eyes.
I hardly have the strength to ignite my own light within. I have been doing the best i can, slipping up here and there, knowing those mistakes are forgiven, and then dredging on to again live the life of someone who thinks their morals and values of love for another will somehow benefit the world.
I used to wish, sometimes even pray (i realize how horrible this is) that something dreadful would happen to me, or my family, or anything that would inspire me to have the mentality of a new Christian. Right now i just don't care as much. It comes in waves though, like tomorrow i will probably want to go chill with homeless people like i used to. This wish was usually created when God seemed to be absence, an underlying problem i had without God. I needed something to focus people back on me. I have a problem doing things that don't benefit me in some way, or even if i did something anonymous i would at least get a "good feeling". But i have done only a few things in my life solely for another's benefit.
To put it bluntly, im selfish. Whoa! Crazy. Aren't we all huh?
Maybe what i had loved so much, and that really inspired me about God was life without selfishness. The few times that i was in a mindset to enjoy people's happiness, and not bring the focus back on mine were some of the truly happiest moments of my life.
But i digress.
The last week has been amazeballs! I just got back from a conference in St. Louis, MO. The conference was pretty good. Sometime next year, a movie called Mystery of Matter will come out, we took the movie idea (after meeting one of the PBS station producers) and came up with ideas to further our science museums. They picked ten museums from around the US, which made me feel pretty badass. Anyways, other then getting to see their amazing museum and putting together sweet demos that made things blow up and change color, we got back to our *Paid for* hotel. Pretty nice yo. I mean, you know it's nice when your $75 room credit is spent on two meals and the elevator talks to you.
So apart from that, my days have been really chill. Im inspired to go teach science to kids and im content with where i'm going lately. Oh AND a friend of mine is going to fulfill a wish from my bucketlist. - Bearded candle. Ohhh yes.
Mostly, i wanted to rekindle some flame in my heart that had been burnt out from a life of living for God. Not that living for God is a bad thing, but my envy is constructed from seeing the excitement for God, and love, possibly in a general hope i still have a hard time explaining in words, that seems to be set in to every new believer. Even for the general spiritualists that have undergone some traumatic life scenario, close death, or near death experience themselves. They all have this light that illuminates out of their words, actions. You can see the glow in their eyes.
I hardly have the strength to ignite my own light within. I have been doing the best i can, slipping up here and there, knowing those mistakes are forgiven, and then dredging on to again live the life of someone who thinks their morals and values of love for another will somehow benefit the world.
I used to wish, sometimes even pray (i realize how horrible this is) that something dreadful would happen to me, or my family, or anything that would inspire me to have the mentality of a new Christian. Right now i just don't care as much. It comes in waves though, like tomorrow i will probably want to go chill with homeless people like i used to. This wish was usually created when God seemed to be absence, an underlying problem i had without God. I needed something to focus people back on me. I have a problem doing things that don't benefit me in some way, or even if i did something anonymous i would at least get a "good feeling". But i have done only a few things in my life solely for another's benefit.
To put it bluntly, im selfish. Whoa! Crazy. Aren't we all huh?
Maybe what i had loved so much, and that really inspired me about God was life without selfishness. The few times that i was in a mindset to enjoy people's happiness, and not bring the focus back on mine were some of the truly happiest moments of my life.
But i digress.
The last week has been amazeballs! I just got back from a conference in St. Louis, MO. The conference was pretty good. Sometime next year, a movie called Mystery of Matter will come out, we took the movie idea (after meeting one of the PBS station producers) and came up with ideas to further our science museums. They picked ten museums from around the US, which made me feel pretty badass. Anyways, other then getting to see their amazing museum and putting together sweet demos that made things blow up and change color, we got back to our *Paid for* hotel. Pretty nice yo. I mean, you know it's nice when your $75 room credit is spent on two meals and the elevator talks to you.
So apart from that, my days have been really chill. Im inspired to go teach science to kids and im content with where i'm going lately. Oh AND a friend of mine is going to fulfill a wish from my bucketlist. - Bearded candle. Ohhh yes.
Monday, September 19, 2011
The point when you show the emo sides
God. I'm dying.
Less dramatically, I'm crumbling.
Pieces of myself that built my foundation are slowly peeling off. Chunks eroding off.
I say it like it's not my fault.
It's not my fault.
I'm divorcing you.
What's funny is that the only cause of divorce is selfishness.
Well. Mostly.
I mean, think about every situation that leads to a divorce. You'll hear someone say; "I wanted". The times when the one you love cheats (because of selfishness) isn't always one sided. Maybe you are driving the person to entrust someone else with their love. Are you letting them love you?
Ha. Im not the selfish one.
Right?
I mean.. My side's completely understandable.
It's so hypocritical.
My God, your love has done everything for me. Our friendship was the thing i looked forward to. What happened? You just didn't hold up your end did you? They said you would. And yet all you give me is a simple promise and a subtle feel. Now there's nothing.
I used to look at people like who i am now, and think "Don't they know God is challenging you? Don't they know that the trust you need to have for faith is one of the most beautiful bonds with God? Why can't they remember when they felt him? Like i do."
I've become a fucking Israelite.
How ignorant.
You know what? Who cares.
Man, i'm just done. I'm going to go fuck up my life for my own desires.
Maybe it will end up being wonderful? Yeah. I'd like that.
naaa. Im becoming way to dramatic.
Im just gonna be chill and do what i want.
I don't need a deity.
It's just a fire inside, i'll simply direct it elsewhere.
Less dramatically, I'm crumbling.
Pieces of myself that built my foundation are slowly peeling off. Chunks eroding off.
I say it like it's not my fault.
It's not my fault.
I'm divorcing you.
What's funny is that the only cause of divorce is selfishness.
Well. Mostly.
I mean, think about every situation that leads to a divorce. You'll hear someone say; "I wanted". The times when the one you love cheats (because of selfishness) isn't always one sided. Maybe you are driving the person to entrust someone else with their love. Are you letting them love you?
Ha. Im not the selfish one.
Right?
I mean.. My side's completely understandable.
It's so hypocritical.
My God, your love has done everything for me. Our friendship was the thing i looked forward to. What happened? You just didn't hold up your end did you? They said you would. And yet all you give me is a simple promise and a subtle feel. Now there's nothing.
I used to look at people like who i am now, and think "Don't they know God is challenging you? Don't they know that the trust you need to have for faith is one of the most beautiful bonds with God? Why can't they remember when they felt him? Like i do."
I've become a fucking Israelite.
How ignorant.
You know what? Who cares.
Man, i'm just done. I'm going to go fuck up my life for my own desires.
Maybe it will end up being wonderful? Yeah. I'd like that.
naaa. Im becoming way to dramatic.
Im just gonna be chill and do what i want.
I don't need a deity.
It's just a fire inside, i'll simply direct it elsewhere.
Monday, July 4, 2011
Accumbent Acrylics
"My God you look so much different, from years you looked like a fool. Your skin tastes much better with aging, sweet like it was in our Sunday school"
Im so sorry. My mind has been going a thousand different ways, each never finding an end. I find myself having trouble collecting my thoughts as a whole. As soon as i think one is finished, several more take its place. Like the hydra of gray cells.
I feel like my soul is aching for you, and i quickly dismiss it for whatever distraction is apearent.
I haven't been on the top of my game lately. Honestly, i've been lazy, a bit cold, maybe ill throw in some selfishness in there. I just can't seem to shake it out.
So i was talking to Amber, a coworker, about her boyfriend. She wasn't quite used to a guy that called her crying. But, she liked it. "Every guy i've dated has tried to be such a macho man. I like this kind of guy. The sweetness, ya know?" As i was asking her about that i tried to begin the way i deal with things. When i came to a realization that i really... don't anymore. I don't usually talk about it. I just do the usual way of balling it up inside and becoming exceedingly passive aggressive.
I need to work on that, the balling up just leads to frustration and assumptions and blah, blah ect. I guess ill start talking about things more. I just feel so "Me! Let's talk about me!" When im trying to talk about feelings i have. Which ends up with me blogging about it. Point in the making.
Besides that, My girlfriend is wonderful. So was the drive home tonight, and the fireworks that came along with it. So is this moment, right now. Im sitting in this incredibly well decorated room, blogging and listening to You Make Me Feel by Lissie. Thinking of her (Bail, not Lissie) kissing me, and thinking of how much blowing shit up makes a family bond, and how you are molding my heart a lot quicker than other times. Im just grateful.
By the by, Happy 4th! Huzzah!
Maybe my mind will get on track. And i'll be able to have a good conversation without feeling pressured to think of something to keep the goodness. Or that my head will quite fogging up and these loose ends in the attic will be reconnected.
Metaphors, gotta dig it. ... Like a shovel. (to much?)
I wish i could take all of the times i have felt the overwhelming beauty and brilliance of you, people and love and just spill it over a canvas. I would hang it in my room and look at it when my heart needed to be refreashed. I wonder if it was possible to lose it's brilliance if i looked to often. Probably. Like gummy bears, to much is just too much.
Heaven seems so silly when you put it into our experienced terms. In fact i talked to this girl who denied heaven for the fact, and only this "fact" that we wouldn't think of heaven the same after while. Therefore, how can it be so great?! I feel that it isn't an earthly matter, and that we can't even go into assuming we know how heaven is going to turn out.
The few times i have felt you were absolutely life changing, and that is hardly a fraction of your love. Being with you is heaven, right? You = Love. Heaven = You. Heaven = Love. Yeah, i have a hard time assuming what all of your love would be like.
Well, i work in four hours, and should probably get going with whatever amount of sleep i can find, but i love you God. And i want you more than anything right now. You calm my heart, and fill me with love. Im depleting, and i need you.
Night
Im so sorry. My mind has been going a thousand different ways, each never finding an end. I find myself having trouble collecting my thoughts as a whole. As soon as i think one is finished, several more take its place. Like the hydra of gray cells.
I feel like my soul is aching for you, and i quickly dismiss it for whatever distraction is apearent.
I haven't been on the top of my game lately. Honestly, i've been lazy, a bit cold, maybe ill throw in some selfishness in there. I just can't seem to shake it out.
So i was talking to Amber, a coworker, about her boyfriend. She wasn't quite used to a guy that called her crying. But, she liked it. "Every guy i've dated has tried to be such a macho man. I like this kind of guy. The sweetness, ya know?" As i was asking her about that i tried to begin the way i deal with things. When i came to a realization that i really... don't anymore. I don't usually talk about it. I just do the usual way of balling it up inside and becoming exceedingly passive aggressive.
I need to work on that, the balling up just leads to frustration and assumptions and blah, blah ect. I guess ill start talking about things more. I just feel so "Me! Let's talk about me!" When im trying to talk about feelings i have. Which ends up with me blogging about it. Point in the making.
Besides that, My girlfriend is wonderful. So was the drive home tonight, and the fireworks that came along with it. So is this moment, right now. Im sitting in this incredibly well decorated room, blogging and listening to You Make Me Feel by Lissie. Thinking of her (Bail, not Lissie) kissing me, and thinking of how much blowing shit up makes a family bond, and how you are molding my heart a lot quicker than other times. Im just grateful.
By the by, Happy 4th! Huzzah!
Maybe my mind will get on track. And i'll be able to have a good conversation without feeling pressured to think of something to keep the goodness. Or that my head will quite fogging up and these loose ends in the attic will be reconnected.
Metaphors, gotta dig it. ... Like a shovel. (to much?)
I wish i could take all of the times i have felt the overwhelming beauty and brilliance of you, people and love and just spill it over a canvas. I would hang it in my room and look at it when my heart needed to be refreashed. I wonder if it was possible to lose it's brilliance if i looked to often. Probably. Like gummy bears, to much is just too much.
Heaven seems so silly when you put it into our experienced terms. In fact i talked to this girl who denied heaven for the fact, and only this "fact" that we wouldn't think of heaven the same after while. Therefore, how can it be so great?! I feel that it isn't an earthly matter, and that we can't even go into assuming we know how heaven is going to turn out.
The few times i have felt you were absolutely life changing, and that is hardly a fraction of your love. Being with you is heaven, right? You = Love. Heaven = You. Heaven = Love. Yeah, i have a hard time assuming what all of your love would be like.
Well, i work in four hours, and should probably get going with whatever amount of sleep i can find, but i love you God. And i want you more than anything right now. You calm my heart, and fill me with love. Im depleting, and i need you.
Night
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
All Things Go
You know what, i want to dance right now. Not like prom dancing, where 96% is making fun of yourself by fake dancing. Just dancing. I think there is a term for this.. maybe closest dancer?
Where you go into a private area and dance your heart out? Sure that's it.
So besides dancing, im thinking this is a great start to my day. Ill take a "nap" this morning and start my new promotion. Hopefully all goes well. Maybe ill eat some tacos and hopefully get my car fixed.
I just finished this crazy- shouldn't be this hard -wooden puzzle. The silly thing is, im feeling pretty badass. It's also 2 a.m. so that's not saying much. Who cares, i made that thing my bitch! (to much?) (alright, to much)
I opened up a page in a book that was supposed to give in insight on the world in a very objectionable and scientific way. The first phrase was "The world will come to an end. No matter how much science, and how much technology we furnish, we will all perish at some point". I laughed! No idea why that was the first expression i came to, it was just funny to me. Not that we're all going to perish inevitably, but that, that supposed to be so serious. I pretty much blew it off.
Not that im "above" the fear of perishing. I just don't care much. We're all going to die, and i've pretty much made amends to that. It's strikes me how similar im finding intelligent design and evolution to be related. Even with all the stories that are just bullshit, like young-earth creationists or evolution with minor adjustments to make everyone happy.
Instead im talking about the logic of the two. Some believe that the world was made by a single-cell organism or crystals.. ect, ect. But those had to be made by something. And that something was made by something.. and something made that something. So you never really know where it ends, and how it begun first. It's funny to me. Is that in itself not supernatural enough to you? We have seemed to delude everything miraculous into normal. Like the way a flower goes through the process of blooming.
Well, of course it has an explanation, but does that explanation not stir a beauty and passion in your heart? Can it still not be miraculous just because we know how it works? Now, Don't get all dictionary with me, i know the meaning of the word. However, miraculous screams brilliance and creativity to me. You may know how it works, but why? Sure, you developed the basics to it. Darwin did that, or even Richard Owen. Or many other scientists. It's the will to survive. Have you found the root yet? Have you found the purpose in it all? The purpose behind the survival? When we did not have the knowledge to explain the theory of evolution a few hundred years ago, did the idea not sound "miraculous" or even "crazy"??
And we both have an ending.
Christianity has prophesies that have been carried out perfectly in our own time. And many in history. Not only that; Even in evolution, is it not "miraculous" that our minds are set apart from other species? The fact that we dress ourselves, that we have tendencies and morals that goes way beyond survival based morals. And Love, that is so far from survival and sometimes instinct it's crazy. How did that fall into place? There will always be sciences that describe miraculous happenings. But isn't that the point? How else would you think God would do it? Why does he (to you atheists) have to make things poof into existence, instead of forming them out of scientific means?
What im am trying to get to is the fact that science and the supernatural should not be differentiated, instead they are one in the same. Just because something brilliant, beautiful and unknown is figured out and subjected as science, doesn't mean it should be put in the column as such and only as such.
Im not sure still on where i stand on my Lord forming us through evolution, but even with the absurd theories about the topic that try to hard to push the two together as a way out of picking one, i have found many Sincere intelligent scientist that have a consistent basis for the combination to be a very real thing.
Exciting isn't it?
Man. I need to head to bed.
Also! I have felt God a ton since have started to stop thinking about myself so much. It's wonderful!
Alright, goodnight!
Where you go into a private area and dance your heart out? Sure that's it.
So besides dancing, im thinking this is a great start to my day. Ill take a "nap" this morning and start my new promotion. Hopefully all goes well. Maybe ill eat some tacos and hopefully get my car fixed.
I just finished this crazy- shouldn't be this hard -wooden puzzle. The silly thing is, im feeling pretty badass. It's also 2 a.m. so that's not saying much. Who cares, i made that thing my bitch! (to much?) (alright, to much)
I opened up a page in a book that was supposed to give in insight on the world in a very objectionable and scientific way. The first phrase was "The world will come to an end. No matter how much science, and how much technology we furnish, we will all perish at some point". I laughed! No idea why that was the first expression i came to, it was just funny to me. Not that we're all going to perish inevitably, but that, that supposed to be so serious. I pretty much blew it off.
Not that im "above" the fear of perishing. I just don't care much. We're all going to die, and i've pretty much made amends to that. It's strikes me how similar im finding intelligent design and evolution to be related. Even with all the stories that are just bullshit, like young-earth creationists or evolution with minor adjustments to make everyone happy.
Instead im talking about the logic of the two. Some believe that the world was made by a single-cell organism or crystals.. ect, ect. But those had to be made by something. And that something was made by something.. and something made that something. So you never really know where it ends, and how it begun first. It's funny to me. Is that in itself not supernatural enough to you? We have seemed to delude everything miraculous into normal. Like the way a flower goes through the process of blooming.
Well, of course it has an explanation, but does that explanation not stir a beauty and passion in your heart? Can it still not be miraculous just because we know how it works? Now, Don't get all dictionary with me, i know the meaning of the word. However, miraculous screams brilliance and creativity to me. You may know how it works, but why? Sure, you developed the basics to it. Darwin did that, or even Richard Owen. Or many other scientists. It's the will to survive. Have you found the root yet? Have you found the purpose in it all? The purpose behind the survival? When we did not have the knowledge to explain the theory of evolution a few hundred years ago, did the idea not sound "miraculous" or even "crazy"??
And we both have an ending.
Christianity has prophesies that have been carried out perfectly in our own time. And many in history. Not only that; Even in evolution, is it not "miraculous" that our minds are set apart from other species? The fact that we dress ourselves, that we have tendencies and morals that goes way beyond survival based morals. And Love, that is so far from survival and sometimes instinct it's crazy. How did that fall into place? There will always be sciences that describe miraculous happenings. But isn't that the point? How else would you think God would do it? Why does he (to you atheists) have to make things poof into existence, instead of forming them out of scientific means?
What im am trying to get to is the fact that science and the supernatural should not be differentiated, instead they are one in the same. Just because something brilliant, beautiful and unknown is figured out and subjected as science, doesn't mean it should be put in the column as such and only as such.
Im not sure still on where i stand on my Lord forming us through evolution, but even with the absurd theories about the topic that try to hard to push the two together as a way out of picking one, i have found many Sincere intelligent scientist that have a consistent basis for the combination to be a very real thing.
Exciting isn't it?
Man. I need to head to bed.
Also! I have felt God a ton since have started to stop thinking about myself so much. It's wonderful!
Alright, goodnight!
"
and together there
in a shroud of frost and mountain air
began to pass through every pane of weathered glass
and I held you closer…"
began to pass through every pane of weathered glass
and I held you closer…"
Friday, June 10, 2011
Burn me down
I find it embarrassing how passionate i am. My dad isn't like that, he's just chill about everything. I don't want that, but just sometimes it would be nice. My mom is just a bit spazzy most of the time. And my brother runs on complete instinct. Which is dangerous and hilarious. But how did i end up the emotional one? I thought about joining the marines once to avoid a soft heart. Maybe some discipline and killing would be good for a young man? It was short lived. I couldn't kill someone without turning into a fleshy statue.
I guess it just sucks because when i'm angry, i get Really angry. Sure i get ticked off every once in a while, but contentment is my usual emotion. Not many people have seen me angry, which is wonderful. I'll never forget going to dinner with Adrienne, raw knuckled from the night before when i let loose on my punching bag for anything i had kept inside. We ate dinner with her grandma that night, first time i had ever met her... blood seeping through bandages. She had a hard time warming up to me.
One time my dad came downstairs to find me after a particularly bad night and i was just getting after it, punch after punch. He sat me down and said the he was afraid of me. My stomach flipped at that. He was scared at what i could and would do to someone if i didn't control myself.. It calmed me down straight away. I never want to hear him say that again. I felt so.. ugh, i don't even know. But it actually scared me as well. I don't want to be that son, or that person really.
I feel the anger welling up in my soul, and i am having a hard time not exploding at people and telling them exactly what i think of their snide remarks. Or Katie. After everything i've done for her, and then her power trip and disrespect, ALL the time. "How about you take your stupid diet carrots and shove them in your mouth! Will that quite yo' bitchin?!" (to be read in gangsta voice)
Man, i have had such a peaceful and joyous three months, i want to cling as long as i can. But i did ask God for challenges. And God does answer prayers...
I know the only reason im feeling anger is because i have been thinking about myself. And when you feel entitled to things, and careless of others, walls are built and grudges and bitterness and are fit inside. I just need to get over myself lately. Which is easy currently, i have someone to care for. Someone that absolutely deserves it. And, i don't have anything to feel sorry about... so maybe ill just go eat some more whip cream.
"Until i become one with the salt in the sea
I will stand up straight
And let you roll right into me"
God, i miss you. I miss thinking of you. I miss being in awe. I miss the warmth you have to offer, and the logic you bring to get through things. Let me come back to you, and let go of myself. Break me down, and mold me back unto the shape of your love.
I guess it just sucks because when i'm angry, i get Really angry. Sure i get ticked off every once in a while, but contentment is my usual emotion. Not many people have seen me angry, which is wonderful. I'll never forget going to dinner with Adrienne, raw knuckled from the night before when i let loose on my punching bag for anything i had kept inside. We ate dinner with her grandma that night, first time i had ever met her... blood seeping through bandages. She had a hard time warming up to me.
One time my dad came downstairs to find me after a particularly bad night and i was just getting after it, punch after punch. He sat me down and said the he was afraid of me. My stomach flipped at that. He was scared at what i could and would do to someone if i didn't control myself.. It calmed me down straight away. I never want to hear him say that again. I felt so.. ugh, i don't even know. But it actually scared me as well. I don't want to be that son, or that person really.
I feel the anger welling up in my soul, and i am having a hard time not exploding at people and telling them exactly what i think of their snide remarks. Or Katie. After everything i've done for her, and then her power trip and disrespect, ALL the time. "How about you take your stupid diet carrots and shove them in your mouth! Will that quite yo' bitchin?!" (to be read in gangsta voice)
Man, i have had such a peaceful and joyous three months, i want to cling as long as i can. But i did ask God for challenges. And God does answer prayers...
I know the only reason im feeling anger is because i have been thinking about myself. And when you feel entitled to things, and careless of others, walls are built and grudges and bitterness and are fit inside. I just need to get over myself lately. Which is easy currently, i have someone to care for. Someone that absolutely deserves it. And, i don't have anything to feel sorry about... so maybe ill just go eat some more whip cream.
"Until i become one with the salt in the sea
I will stand up straight
And let you roll right into me"
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Swaying Without Motions
I just feel so good. I feel so full. Not just of gummy sharks and bad energy drinks, but God and love and peace and laughter and bad jokes and joy and appreciation and creativity and hope and a slight feeling that i should clean my room instead of typing this out.
Im just whole.
I read somewhere about the effects of evolution and intelligent design together. Now; im not one for evolution - been there/done that. However.. as someone who tries his best to keep an open mind, i read on.
He went on to explain himself - His studies and PhD in biology and chemistry lead him to become not only an evolutionist (We have all heard it before, and you say "It goes both ways, right? I mean, people study and become Christians.. or Catholics out of the whole ordeal too") but what also came to his knowledge and heart was the fact that every corner he turned (besides the few gaps on either side) he felt an overwhelming trueness and has decidedly become a believer of the Christian faith as well as Evolution.
Okay. Wait.
That can't happen right? I mean, the two are far from each other.. You can even pick out a few scriptures backing this up! If you're an evolutionist, the science seems to over rule anything even a bit irrational. This isn't anything new, just hopeless "make everyone happy talk"
Hmm...
And yet, scripture has also been known to put "Hell" and "Eternity" together. Which, in case you didn't know.. Hell, directly translated from it's greek word, translates into a city 100 miles west of where Jesus grew up. A place of fire that burns disgusting trash and unwanted materials. He (Jesus) used this as a metaphor for where are hearts eventually turn without Love (God). The other favorite word for hell comes from a direct translation to a deep dark disconnected place underground. (Another metaphor?) Eternity isn't even used with those translations of hell. Only suggested. So.. why couldn't it be possible that 7 days, truly was something completely different from being "our" seven days? Maybe it was a sequence in which things erupted?
Im not sure how inclined i am to believe the two go hand in hand. However, i truly hope it's the case. There are beauties in both perspectives, and if one can tie into another it would change everything about the opinions.
Maybe i'll go into it myself and hope to find the connection myself. Ill end with this, a hope and love unfathomable, and a deep rooted connection with nature and science makes me exceedingly passionate for the two be intertwine.
Moving on! Today was a great day. I had a huge amount of responsibilities at work from my boss going home half way through the day. I got to take over a bit and then close out. I had an Amazing time with friends, being stupid in our new "Mancave" (choreographing dances with gummy sharks and loud rap). Plus, my motorcycle has made rides home especially relaxing. Im Happy.
If you haven't had the chance, i recommend laying on a couch with nothing playing but Sufjan Stevens music in the background. It does wonders!
For now, ill give you some Nsn lyrics to express a current thought -
"You see this world has lots to offer
But in time it will go dark,
And if this love is what we see it is
I'm sure we will go far
And with a girl as sweet as you
There's not much else I can do
But fall for you"
Im just whole.
I read somewhere about the effects of evolution and intelligent design together. Now; im not one for evolution - been there/done that. However.. as someone who tries his best to keep an open mind, i read on.
He went on to explain himself - His studies and PhD in biology and chemistry lead him to become not only an evolutionist (We have all heard it before, and you say "It goes both ways, right? I mean, people study and become Christians.. or Catholics out of the whole ordeal too") but what also came to his knowledge and heart was the fact that every corner he turned (besides the few gaps on either side) he felt an overwhelming trueness and has decidedly become a believer of the Christian faith as well as Evolution.
Okay. Wait.
That can't happen right? I mean, the two are far from each other.. You can even pick out a few scriptures backing this up! If you're an evolutionist, the science seems to over rule anything even a bit irrational. This isn't anything new, just hopeless "make everyone happy talk"
Hmm...
And yet, scripture has also been known to put "Hell" and "Eternity" together. Which, in case you didn't know.. Hell, directly translated from it's greek word, translates into a city 100 miles west of where Jesus grew up. A place of fire that burns disgusting trash and unwanted materials. He (Jesus) used this as a metaphor for where are hearts eventually turn without Love (God). The other favorite word for hell comes from a direct translation to a deep dark disconnected place underground. (Another metaphor?) Eternity isn't even used with those translations of hell. Only suggested. So.. why couldn't it be possible that 7 days, truly was something completely different from being "our" seven days? Maybe it was a sequence in which things erupted?
Im not sure how inclined i am to believe the two go hand in hand. However, i truly hope it's the case. There are beauties in both perspectives, and if one can tie into another it would change everything about the opinions.
Maybe i'll go into it myself and hope to find the connection myself. Ill end with this, a hope and love unfathomable, and a deep rooted connection with nature and science makes me exceedingly passionate for the two be intertwine.
Moving on! Today was a great day. I had a huge amount of responsibilities at work from my boss going home half way through the day. I got to take over a bit and then close out. I had an Amazing time with friends, being stupid in our new "Mancave" (choreographing dances with gummy sharks and loud rap). Plus, my motorcycle has made rides home especially relaxing. Im Happy.
If you haven't had the chance, i recommend laying on a couch with nothing playing but Sufjan Stevens music in the background. It does wonders!
For now, ill give you some Nsn lyrics to express a current thought -
"You see this world has lots to offer
But in time it will go dark,
And if this love is what we see it is
I'm sure we will go far
And with a girl as sweet as you
There's not much else I can do
But fall for you"
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
McGrasta, The Grand Neighborhood Lawn Keeper
I just finished cleaning out my entire room (Entire includes the heep of crud jam packed in my closest; Yeah, i went There) looking for my motorcycle keys and eventually found them in my motorcycle jacket when i had finally given up hope. "Why would they be in a motorcycle jacket??"
Anyways, i sat down and started listening to Clarensau. A band that has a very raw sound of a man and a women opening their souls to one another and God, it's wonderful. I was skipping through (stalking) some people i missed when i happened across Grant's profile, an old youth minister who instilled a lot of hope and love in me, and he was asking for prayers of his sister (in-law?)'s little baby. I went to the husbands blog, the newest posts were of the little baby, Maggie. Not soon after she was born did they figure out she was almost certainly going to die. His thoughts and prayers were littered throughout his page. "I shouldn't be thinking of the things im going to say at her eulogy, i should be thinking of kissing her little toes and holding her small fingers".
Im not going to lie, i shed a few tears. His faith in God through everything was incredible. (she is well and stable now) It's not something i express in troubles, the fact that God can change outcomes based on our prayers. I usually think God lets what happens, happen. And since he knows what is best; we should pray for the strength to go with the outcomes he brings. It wasn't the case this time. I felt this tug at my heart, not the subtle one i usually feel, but something so much stronger. And as i prayed i felt God in a way i haven't in a long time.
Sometimes, even though i am Really skeptical, it's as if God sets up opporitunities for me to feel him. Like turning on a band like Clarensau, reading a faithful post, and being in the right state of mind, just to feel a hint of Himself. Anyways, if you are the praying type, keep Maggie in your prayers.
The storms today were crazy as hell, lightning and freaked out drivers going 60 are not a good mix. But it gave me and my car some good ole' bonding time. I've been watching tornado youtube videos for awhile now..
Also, this huge passion for fighting in the UFC has come over me lately. I might go join my old gym again. Im also feeling pretty good about forensic science. Maybe i'll just do both. Yeah.. that sounds good!
Alright.. Im going to get some cleaning and eating done. Late!
"We'll paint the sky our own shade tonight,
Whatever colors you like
I've never seen the moon shine so bright,
color's to my ears, music to my eyes"
Anyways, i sat down and started listening to Clarensau. A band that has a very raw sound of a man and a women opening their souls to one another and God, it's wonderful. I was skipping through (stalking) some people i missed when i happened across Grant's profile, an old youth minister who instilled a lot of hope and love in me, and he was asking for prayers of his sister (in-law?)'s little baby. I went to the husbands blog, the newest posts were of the little baby, Maggie. Not soon after she was born did they figure out she was almost certainly going to die. His thoughts and prayers were littered throughout his page. "I shouldn't be thinking of the things im going to say at her eulogy, i should be thinking of kissing her little toes and holding her small fingers".
Im not going to lie, i shed a few tears. His faith in God through everything was incredible. (she is well and stable now) It's not something i express in troubles, the fact that God can change outcomes based on our prayers. I usually think God lets what happens, happen. And since he knows what is best; we should pray for the strength to go with the outcomes he brings. It wasn't the case this time. I felt this tug at my heart, not the subtle one i usually feel, but something so much stronger. And as i prayed i felt God in a way i haven't in a long time.
Sometimes, even though i am Really skeptical, it's as if God sets up opporitunities for me to feel him. Like turning on a band like Clarensau, reading a faithful post, and being in the right state of mind, just to feel a hint of Himself. Anyways, if you are the praying type, keep Maggie in your prayers.
The storms today were crazy as hell, lightning and freaked out drivers going 60 are not a good mix. But it gave me and my car some good ole' bonding time. I've been watching tornado youtube videos for awhile now..
Also, this huge passion for fighting in the UFC has come over me lately. I might go join my old gym again. Im also feeling pretty good about forensic science. Maybe i'll just do both. Yeah.. that sounds good!
Alright.. Im going to get some cleaning and eating done. Late!
"We'll paint the sky our own shade tonight,
Whatever colors you like
I've never seen the moon shine so bright,
color's to my ears, music to my eyes"
Friday, May 20, 2011
Red Delicious
My brother is the best; 32oz Roster booster - No ice, Mmmmm. I've been siding the house all day. Tearing things apart, putting new things on. I love it really. It reminds me a lot of my heart, constantly being reshaped; broken, disgusting, maybe a bit of mold and bird nest still attached and then torn down and molded to wherever and whatever i feel like (or what God feels like). Pretty fantastic how things work.
Anyways, i feel pretty manly right now (not be get cocky or anything...Pshh) I've got all kinds if cuts and a bit of blood on my shirt, wielding a badass hammer on an unstable scaffolding. It makes the fact that i own and use candles not so bad, right?
Hopefully we get this thing knocked out quickly so i can go see a certain wonderful girl i'm growing quite fond of. I think i need a better name for her.. hmm. Maybe my key lime pie? Or cinnamon bun? .. banana smoothie? (creepy that i just listed off three random names that all have to do with food. Hmph.) I can go cheesier too.. But maybe i should just stick with a non food related, and less cheesy name.
It'll come.
Ahhh, i need to get back to work. It's a beautiful day and i plan on making the most of it!
"What if i was wrong and no one cared to mention?
Maybe it is true and everything is brilliant"
Anyways, i feel pretty manly right now (not be get cocky or anything...Pshh) I've got all kinds if cuts and a bit of blood on my shirt, wielding a badass hammer on an unstable scaffolding. It makes the fact that i own and use candles not so bad, right?
Hopefully we get this thing knocked out quickly so i can go see a certain wonderful girl i'm growing quite fond of. I think i need a better name for her.. hmm. Maybe my key lime pie? Or cinnamon bun? .. banana smoothie? (creepy that i just listed off three random names that all have to do with food. Hmph.) I can go cheesier too.. But maybe i should just stick with a non food related, and less cheesy name.
It'll come.
Ahhh, i need to get back to work. It's a beautiful day and i plan on making the most of it!
"What if i was wrong and no one cared to mention?
Maybe it is true and everything is brilliant"
Friday, May 6, 2011
Dissections
I am discontent when i have to explain my discontentment. Why? Because it leads to a much bigger problem within me, one that has always lingered.
Now, i constantly live with a front. This front is full of these things;
Constant kindness
Confidence
High self-esteem
Humor
Clearheadedness
Intellect
Full of answers
Along with these, i try and add a hint of these;
Fear
Badass/ Badboy qualities
Intentional sex appeal
Open-mindedness
The accessories i use to finish off this front;
Hipster look
Glasses that give me a sharp, yet smart look
perfect hair
Strength
If you care to read on, i think ill go ahead and explain the problems within these things. Not all of them are bad qualities, in fact most are good. I'll explain as i go into the intent for this front.
My "Front", being the face i put on for anyone i try to impress, has to be especially perfect. If it has flaws, how will i be different? Or impressive? Or how will someone love me? Or want to hang out? How can i have security and stability in myself without these things? Will people accept me?
Constant Kindness - This is a quality i think everyone should strive for. The problem comes when it becomes surface, and not from the heart. When your sole intention for kindness is to impress someone to better yourself, it becomes a twisted, faux love.
Humor- Apparently, to Marilyn Monroe, if you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything. There is a power in that happiness, the charm that comes along with it. When it is the key to your front, or any part really, it is essential when talking to people (mainly women). The problem, like kindness, is when your motive to make someone laugh is to make them think you are hilarious, you miss the point of making them laugh to let them be happy.
Clearheadedness - I need to be smooth, talk gently without flaw. "Showing anger if my pride is hurt will only make me look flawed". So in order to stop that weakness my head has to stay calm, clear. Not a bad attribute unless your motive is to appear invulnerable and without weakness. When that becomes the situation your problems must stay within. If you can't appear vulnerable, you sure as hell can't talk about what makes you vulnerable.
Intellect and need to be right about everything - They go hand-in-hand. I have to be That guy. The one everybody looks up to. He has any hard topic answered with wise answers. He knows so much! He has interesting things to talk about, and can keep an amazing conversation.
Fear/ Badassery - Also go pretty much hand-in-hand. "Oh, you don't like the sweet side of me? Well there is a bad boy that you have no idea about" My own fear of being someone whose self cannot meet the exceptions, that i assume, someone has about how mysterious i am/should be; is the true intention of this one. So, i instill fear into a guy that doubts me, or belittles my pride. Or i show off how badass i can be to an unsuspecting girl through stories or having a quick wit against someones joke that hit a nerve in me. (lame, eh?) "Man, that guy just doesn't take shit!" or "Oh man, i wish i could just know what he's thinking, he seems so deep"
Sex appeal - I want to make men envious, and girls swoon. I want to be noticed.
Open-mindedness - I think Everyone should be open-minded. Whether in the face of religion (or lack of), opinions, and criticism. It challenges, shapes and refines while giving unbiased perspectives.
However, this isn't for a purposes of actually being open-minded (Pa-leeease) Its, of course to show that i can be open-minded. That i'm free and willing, while still holding my values close. "He's so perfect and dreamy and doesn't judge me"
Seeing a pattern?
So, to include or just top off these "traits" i buy hip, but "unique" (whatever that means anymore) clothes, or make a point or symbol with items like watches or wristbands. Maybe some toned muscles?
There it is, my front. Now i try very, very hard to not use this front. And it truly comes from
Insecurities
that i find in myself. A deep rooted idea that i am not good enough. When i build walls up in fear and false comfort to keep people from seeing the "true" me. That comes with flaws, and ideas that people may not like or appreciate, love that people might not except, stories people probably won't enjoy, and reaching out when getting burned as a very real possibility.
It's in all of us.
"Am i good enough?"
You may not have a front, you may have moved beyond the fear i'm talking about. Or you haven't even tried a front for being just being so paralyzed with fright. Maybe you're in the same boat i am.
Trying to break free of this.
We all long for a community, a family, love, and the risk of those things are huge. It puts our values and hearts far beyond any walls we can put up
but the risk is so worth it.
There is beauty
and passion
and love
and hope
and contentment
and peace
with everyone that we extend ourselves to. Getting burned makes us forget that. And causes front's or large levels of incontrovertibly that leave you sulking and discontent. Thinking that you don't belong, "fine then, fuck it" is a usual term when someone hurts me and makes me sink back into that comfortable, but lonely hole in my chest.
We Crave community. We need it. Without it, we lose ourselves. It doesn't matter who you are or what you believe in, you would be lying if you said you didn't miss one person, or want/need affection, or would appreciate someone to at least wake up to in the morning, or have friends to go do whatever in the hell sounds fun at the time. People challenge us, they build us up, we share ourselves and intertwine feelings and opinions into each other.
We want Love. And love wants us.
When i want it, i use my front. When something like my humor or looks get put down the dominoes fall in quick succession. I feel insecure, stupid and whatever else that comes along with it. It's such an instable part of me that it will never last.
To have something that truly does, i need the sincere part of me.
The truly authentic part of me that loves without obligation, that doesn't need flirts from equally insecure women, that doesn't need to prove himself to other guys, that doesn't need to be anything more than himself. That loves with the passion from my own heart and from a God that fills it. That is what i strive for.
But it's hard, it's very hard.
This post is a bit long, and i'll end with this;
For me, God is the essence of Love itself.
When i disconnect myself from sincere love and replace it with this fake facade, i don't truly feel love. When i don't feel loved, i find it very, very hard to love in return.
Which makes me perfect my front. "Maybe this time i'll feel something."
"Hmm, not enough people got the impression that im funny, ill have to try harder"
I adopt a line of insecurities from the fact that my front just doesn't work as well as i want it to. So hitting on a girl, so that i can feel better, handsome, witty is a current occasion.
Leaving me nothing in the end
When i eat my pride and take a deep long look at myself, like now, i see God. I see His love for me, and oh how i long for it.
I let myself go, and take up His love, and Sincerely let it show through me into others.
Something amazing happens. I become peaceful. Selfless. And most of all, loving.
I find hope, a love for minuscule things, contentment, stability, the ability to only be interested in one girl because of how amazing she is, and not many because i somehow need the attention.
If you are a believer, i encourage you to let yourself go. Find the love and beauty in God and let loose into the freedom that it all brings.
If you don't believe, i encourage you to find love in others and not yourself.
Look deep into yourself and figure out what unauthentic traits you have, and diminish them. They're worthless and harmful.
Now, i constantly live with a front. This front is full of these things;
Constant kindness
Confidence
High self-esteem
Humor
Clearheadedness
Intellect
Full of answers
Along with these, i try and add a hint of these;
Fear
Badass/ Badboy qualities
Intentional sex appeal
Open-mindedness
The accessories i use to finish off this front;
Hipster look
Glasses that give me a sharp, yet smart look
perfect hair
Strength
If you care to read on, i think ill go ahead and explain the problems within these things. Not all of them are bad qualities, in fact most are good. I'll explain as i go into the intent for this front.
My "Front", being the face i put on for anyone i try to impress, has to be especially perfect. If it has flaws, how will i be different? Or impressive? Or how will someone love me? Or want to hang out? How can i have security and stability in myself without these things? Will people accept me?
Constant Kindness - This is a quality i think everyone should strive for. The problem comes when it becomes surface, and not from the heart. When your sole intention for kindness is to impress someone to better yourself, it becomes a twisted, faux love.
Humor- Apparently, to Marilyn Monroe, if you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything. There is a power in that happiness, the charm that comes along with it. When it is the key to your front, or any part really, it is essential when talking to people (mainly women). The problem, like kindness, is when your motive to make someone laugh is to make them think you are hilarious, you miss the point of making them laugh to let them be happy.
Clearheadedness - I need to be smooth, talk gently without flaw. "Showing anger if my pride is hurt will only make me look flawed". So in order to stop that weakness my head has to stay calm, clear. Not a bad attribute unless your motive is to appear invulnerable and without weakness. When that becomes the situation your problems must stay within. If you can't appear vulnerable, you sure as hell can't talk about what makes you vulnerable.
Intellect and need to be right about everything - They go hand-in-hand. I have to be That guy. The one everybody looks up to. He has any hard topic answered with wise answers. He knows so much! He has interesting things to talk about, and can keep an amazing conversation.
Fear/ Badassery - Also go pretty much hand-in-hand. "Oh, you don't like the sweet side of me? Well there is a bad boy that you have no idea about" My own fear of being someone whose self cannot meet the exceptions, that i assume, someone has about how mysterious i am/should be; is the true intention of this one. So, i instill fear into a guy that doubts me, or belittles my pride. Or i show off how badass i can be to an unsuspecting girl through stories or having a quick wit against someones joke that hit a nerve in me. (lame, eh?) "Man, that guy just doesn't take shit!" or "Oh man, i wish i could just know what he's thinking, he seems so deep"
Sex appeal - I want to make men envious, and girls swoon. I want to be noticed.
Open-mindedness - I think Everyone should be open-minded. Whether in the face of religion (or lack of), opinions, and criticism. It challenges, shapes and refines while giving unbiased perspectives.
However, this isn't for a purposes of actually being open-minded (Pa-leeease) Its, of course to show that i can be open-minded. That i'm free and willing, while still holding my values close. "He's so perfect and dreamy and doesn't judge me"
Seeing a pattern?
So, to include or just top off these "traits" i buy hip, but "unique" (whatever that means anymore) clothes, or make a point or symbol with items like watches or wristbands. Maybe some toned muscles?
There it is, my front. Now i try very, very hard to not use this front. And it truly comes from
Insecurities
that i find in myself. A deep rooted idea that i am not good enough. When i build walls up in fear and false comfort to keep people from seeing the "true" me. That comes with flaws, and ideas that people may not like or appreciate, love that people might not except, stories people probably won't enjoy, and reaching out when getting burned as a very real possibility.
It's in all of us.
"Am i good enough?"
You may not have a front, you may have moved beyond the fear i'm talking about. Or you haven't even tried a front for being just being so paralyzed with fright. Maybe you're in the same boat i am.
Trying to break free of this.
We all long for a community, a family, love, and the risk of those things are huge. It puts our values and hearts far beyond any walls we can put up
but the risk is so worth it.
There is beauty
and passion
and love
and hope
and contentment
and peace
with everyone that we extend ourselves to. Getting burned makes us forget that. And causes front's or large levels of incontrovertibly that leave you sulking and discontent. Thinking that you don't belong, "fine then, fuck it" is a usual term when someone hurts me and makes me sink back into that comfortable, but lonely hole in my chest.
We Crave community. We need it. Without it, we lose ourselves. It doesn't matter who you are or what you believe in, you would be lying if you said you didn't miss one person, or want/need affection, or would appreciate someone to at least wake up to in the morning, or have friends to go do whatever in the hell sounds fun at the time. People challenge us, they build us up, we share ourselves and intertwine feelings and opinions into each other.
We want Love. And love wants us.
When i want it, i use my front. When something like my humor or looks get put down the dominoes fall in quick succession. I feel insecure, stupid and whatever else that comes along with it. It's such an instable part of me that it will never last.
To have something that truly does, i need the sincere part of me.
The truly authentic part of me that loves without obligation, that doesn't need flirts from equally insecure women, that doesn't need to prove himself to other guys, that doesn't need to be anything more than himself. That loves with the passion from my own heart and from a God that fills it. That is what i strive for.
But it's hard, it's very hard.
This post is a bit long, and i'll end with this;
For me, God is the essence of Love itself.
When i disconnect myself from sincere love and replace it with this fake facade, i don't truly feel love. When i don't feel loved, i find it very, very hard to love in return.
Which makes me perfect my front. "Maybe this time i'll feel something."
"Hmm, not enough people got the impression that im funny, ill have to try harder"
I adopt a line of insecurities from the fact that my front just doesn't work as well as i want it to. So hitting on a girl, so that i can feel better, handsome, witty is a current occasion.
Leaving me nothing in the end
When i eat my pride and take a deep long look at myself, like now, i see God. I see His love for me, and oh how i long for it.
I let myself go, and take up His love, and Sincerely let it show through me into others.
Something amazing happens. I become peaceful. Selfless. And most of all, loving.
I find hope, a love for minuscule things, contentment, stability, the ability to only be interested in one girl because of how amazing she is, and not many because i somehow need the attention.
If you are a believer, i encourage you to let yourself go. Find the love and beauty in God and let loose into the freedom that it all brings.
If you don't believe, i encourage you to find love in others and not yourself.
Look deep into yourself and figure out what unauthentic traits you have, and diminish them. They're worthless and harmful.
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