"My God you look so much different, from years you looked like a fool. Your skin tastes much better with aging, sweet like it was in our Sunday school"
Im so sorry. My mind has been going a thousand different ways, each never finding an end. I find myself having trouble collecting my thoughts as a whole. As soon as i think one is finished, several more take its place. Like the hydra of gray cells.
I feel like my soul is aching for you, and i quickly dismiss it for whatever distraction is apearent.
I haven't been on the top of my game lately. Honestly, i've been lazy, a bit cold, maybe ill throw in some selfishness in there. I just can't seem to shake it out.
So i was talking to Amber, a coworker, about her boyfriend. She wasn't quite used to a guy that called her crying. But, she liked it. "Every guy i've dated has tried to be such a macho man. I like this kind of guy. The sweetness, ya know?" As i was asking her about that i tried to begin the way i deal with things. When i came to a realization that i really... don't anymore. I don't usually talk about it. I just do the usual way of balling it up inside and becoming exceedingly passive aggressive.
I need to work on that, the balling up just leads to frustration and assumptions and blah, blah ect. I guess ill start talking about things more. I just feel so "Me! Let's talk about me!" When im trying to talk about feelings i have. Which ends up with me blogging about it. Point in the making.
Besides that, My girlfriend is wonderful. So was the drive home tonight, and the fireworks that came along with it. So is this moment, right now. Im sitting in this incredibly well decorated room, blogging and listening to You Make Me Feel by Lissie. Thinking of her (Bail, not Lissie) kissing me, and thinking of how much blowing shit up makes a family bond, and how you are molding my heart a lot quicker than other times. Im just grateful.
By the by, Happy 4th! Huzzah!
Maybe my mind will get on track. And i'll be able to have a good conversation without feeling pressured to think of something to keep the goodness. Or that my head will quite fogging up and these loose ends in the attic will be reconnected.
Metaphors, gotta dig it. ... Like a shovel. (to much?)
I wish i could take all of the times i have felt the overwhelming beauty and brilliance of you, people and love and just spill it over a canvas. I would hang it in my room and look at it when my heart needed to be refreashed. I wonder if it was possible to lose it's brilliance if i looked to often. Probably. Like gummy bears, to much is just too much.
Heaven seems so silly when you put it into our experienced terms. In fact i talked to this girl who denied heaven for the fact, and only this "fact" that we wouldn't think of heaven the same after while. Therefore, how can it be so great?! I feel that it isn't an earthly matter, and that we can't even go into assuming we know how heaven is going to turn out.
The few times i have felt you were absolutely life changing, and that is hardly a fraction of your love. Being with you is heaven, right? You = Love. Heaven = You. Heaven = Love. Yeah, i have a hard time assuming what all of your love would be like.
Well, i work in four hours, and should probably get going with whatever amount of sleep i can find, but i love you God. And i want you more than anything right now. You calm my heart, and fill me with love. Im depleting, and i need you.
Night
