There is no God.
Any feelings we arrange into thought come from an aging need for survival. That's all we are.
I read a book, a couple days ago. The author goes from the simplest beginnings of science history into the most recent scientific discoveries. He brilliantly concludes throughout this book that we are only vessels for DNA. Just bodies that have been designed from accidental mutations and some intentional improvements to become what we now call life. DNA's constant processing and creating is the only reason we have come to be.
Its incredibly believable. Not to mention heart-shatteringly hopeless.
This book just broke whatever hold i had on my belief of God. It still lingers, and breaks me down only for the fact that the faith im leaving is so much better than any pragmatic view i could hold. Yet i just cannot believe in my Lord anymore.
It sickens me. Absolutely sickens me.
Think of it this way.
For me, and many Christians, the philosophy of God is that he created us (through evolution, creationism or any other timeline) with the purest intentions of love. The God that i know instills a love in me. He reminds me that we are not selfish creatures at our deepest level, in fact God gives us the strength to dig deeper and allow ourselves to genuinely love others for nothing in return.
This is staggeringly different than what life is. A disbelief in God only concludes the fact that we are machines. Made from the fibers of DNA and the materials of molecules that aren't really as special as we thought 50 years ago. (we are already creating real tissue-based organs to be used in replacement of our own damaged ones) If you think about it we are robots. Our minds have been trained to perceive information to certain compartments, analyze this information and simply react accordingly. If you start realizing that there is no soul in play, things start looking a whole lot different.
So here we are. We are selfish, needy people. We do things for self gratification, vindication and personal happiness. And that's it. There is no hopeful inner side to us, there is no genuine love for one another. We will only love when we get something in return.
If only i could figure out where to go from here.
My next step just feels like a breakdown.
"I don't know who you are, and it's too hard
To keep pretending that you're more
Than the mark of an old scar
That doesn't hurt anymore.
And I've grown numb of the fear
That everything I've done
Was being controlled by the father, by the son,
By the holy ghost you've become.
But I would fold my hands and buckle to my knees,
And I would pray the sky would fall down on me.
And I would stumble to the shore to be baptized in the waves
If it meant that everything we know doesn't go away, someday.
And I know my mother cries
When she realizes I don't love you like she does,
But still she bows her head and prays that you forgive me.
So what does that make me?
The unloving, ungrateful son of a saint?
What if that makes me the monster an angel raised?
But I would fold my hands and buckle to my knees,
And I would pray the sky would fall down on me.
And I would stumble to the shore to be baptized in the waves
If it meant that everything we know doesn't go away,
Someday.
It's so cold in the shadow of their faith,
But I will not be crushed for heaven's sake."
