Swaying Without Motions

        I just feel so good. I feel so full. Not just of gummy sharks and bad energy drinks, but God and love and peace and laughter and bad jokes and joy and appreciation and creativity and hope and a slight feeling that i should clean my room instead of typing this out.
   Im just whole. 


I read somewhere about the effects of evolution and intelligent design together. Now; im not one for evolution - been there/done that. However.. as someone who tries his best to keep an open mind, i read on.
He went on to explain himself - His studies and PhD in biology and chemistry lead him to become not only an evolutionist (We have all heard it before, and you say  "It goes both ways, right? I mean, people study and become Christians.. or Catholics out of the whole ordeal too") but what also came to his knowledge and heart was the fact that every corner he turned (besides the few gaps on either side) he felt an overwhelming trueness and has decidedly become a believer of the Christian faith as well as Evolution. 
   Okay. Wait.
That can't happen right? I mean, the two are far from each other.. You can even pick out a few scriptures backing this up! If you're an evolutionist, the science seems to over rule anything even a bit irrational. This isn't anything new, just hopeless "make everyone happy talk"
Hmm...
And yet, scripture has also been known to put "Hell" and "Eternity" together. Which, in case you didn't know.. Hell, directly translated from it's greek word, translates into a city 100 miles west of where Jesus grew up. A place of fire that burns disgusting trash and unwanted materials. He (Jesus) used this as a metaphor for where are hearts eventually turn without Love (God). The other favorite word for hell comes from a direct translation to a deep dark disconnected place underground. (Another metaphor?) Eternity isn't even used with those translations of hell. Only suggested. So.. why couldn't it be possible that 7 days, truly was something completely different from being "our" seven days? Maybe it was a sequence in which things erupted?  
Im not sure how inclined i am to believe the two go hand in hand. However, i truly hope it's the case. There are beauties in both perspectives, and if one can tie into another it would change everything about the opinions. 
Maybe i'll go into it myself and hope to find the connection myself. Ill end with this, a hope and love unfathomable, and a deep rooted connection with nature and science makes me exceedingly passionate for the two be intertwine.


Moving on! Today was a great day. I had a huge amount of responsibilities at work from my boss going home half way through the day. I got to take over a bit and then close out. I had an Amazing time with friends, being stupid in our new "Mancave" (choreographing dances with gummy sharks and loud rap). Plus, my motorcycle has made rides home especially relaxing. Im Happy.


If you haven't had the chance, i recommend laying on a couch with nothing playing but Sufjan Stevens music in the background. It does wonders! 
For now, ill give you some Nsn lyrics to express a current thought - 

   "You see this world has lots to offer
But in time it will go dark,
And if this love is what we see it is
I'm sure we will go far
And with a girl as sweet as you
There's not much else I can do
But fall for you"

McGrasta, The Grand Neighborhood Lawn Keeper

     I just finished cleaning out my entire room (Entire includes the heep of crud jam packed in my closest; Yeah, i went There) looking for my motorcycle keys and eventually found them in my motorcycle jacket when i had finally given up hope. "Why would they be in a motorcycle jacket??" 
     Anyways, i sat down and started listening to Clarensau. A band that has a very raw sound of a man and a women opening their souls to one another and God, it's wonderful. I was skipping through (stalking) some people i missed when i happened across Grant's profile, an old youth minister who instilled a lot of hope and love in me, and he was asking for prayers of his sister (in-law?)'s little baby. I went to the husbands blog, the newest posts were of the little baby, Maggie. Not soon after she was born did they figure out she was almost certainly going to die. His thoughts and prayers were littered throughout his page. "I shouldn't be thinking of the things im going to say at her eulogy, i should be thinking of kissing her little toes and holding her small fingers". 
    Im not going to lie, i shed a few tears. His faith in God through everything was incredible. (she is well and stable now) It's not something i express in troubles, the fact that God can change outcomes based on our prayers. I usually think God lets what happens, happen. And since he knows what is best; we should pray for the strength to go with the outcomes he brings. It wasn't the case this time. I felt this tug at my heart, not the subtle one i usually feel, but something so much stronger. And as i prayed i felt God in a way i haven't in a long time. 
   Sometimes, even though i am Really skeptical, it's as if God sets up opporitunities for me to feel him. Like turning on a band like Clarensau, reading a faithful post, and being in the right state of mind, just to feel a hint of Himself. Anyways, if you are the praying type, keep Maggie in your prayers.


   The storms today were crazy as hell, lightning and freaked out drivers going 60 are not a good mix. But it gave me and my car some good ole' bonding time. I've been watching tornado youtube videos for awhile now.. 


Also, this huge passion for fighting in the UFC has come over me lately. I might go join my old gym again. Im also feeling pretty good about forensic science. Maybe i'll just do both. Yeah.. that sounds good! 


 Alright.. Im going to get some cleaning and eating done. Late!


"We'll paint the sky our own shade tonight,
         Whatever colors you like
I've never seen the moon shine so bright,
         color's to my ears, music to my eyes"

Red Delicious

 My brother is the best; 32oz Roster booster - No ice, Mmmmm. I've been siding the house all day. Tearing things apart, putting new things on. I love it really. It reminds me a lot of my heart, constantly being reshaped; broken, disgusting, maybe a bit of mold and bird nest still attached and then torn down and molded to wherever and whatever i feel like (or what God feels like). Pretty fantastic how things work.
 Anyways, i feel pretty manly right now (not be get cocky or anything...Pshh) I've got all kinds if cuts and a bit of blood on my shirt, wielding a badass hammer on an unstable scaffolding. It makes the fact that i own and use candles not so bad, right?
 Hopefully we get this thing knocked out quickly so i can go see a certain wonderful girl i'm growing quite fond of. I think i need a better name for her.. hmm. Maybe my key lime pie? Or cinnamon bun? .. banana smoothie? (creepy that i just listed off three random names that all have to do with food. Hmph.) I can go cheesier too.. But maybe i should just stick with a non food related, and less cheesy name. 
It'll come. 


Ahhh, i need to get back to work. It's a beautiful day and i plan on making the most of it! 

"What if i was wrong and no one cared to mention?
 Maybe it is true and everything is brilliant"

Dissections

 I am discontent when i have to explain my discontentment. Why? Because it leads to a much bigger problem within me, one that has always lingered. 

 Now, i constantly live with a front. This front is full of these things;
Constant kindness
Confidence
High self-esteem
Humor
Clearheadedness
Intellect
Full of answers

Along with these, i try and add a hint of these;
Fear
Badass/ Badboy qualities
Intentional sex appeal
Open-mindedness


The accessories i use to finish off this front;
Hipster look
Glasses that give me a sharp, yet smart look
perfect hair
Strength

If you care to read on, i think ill go ahead and explain the problems within these things. Not all of them are bad qualities, in fact most are good. I'll explain as i go into the intent for this front.
 My "Front", being the face i put on for anyone i try to impress, has to be especially perfect. If it has flaws, how will i be different? Or impressive? Or how will someone love me? Or want to hang out? How can i have security and stability in myself without these things? Will people accept me?

Constant Kindness - This is a quality i think everyone should strive for. The problem comes when it becomes surface, and not from the heart. When your sole intention for kindness is to impress someone to better yourself, it becomes a twisted, faux love.

Humor- Apparently, to Marilyn Monroe, if you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything. There is a power in that happiness, the charm that comes along with it. When it is the key to your front, or any part really, it is essential when talking to people (mainly women). The problem, like kindness, is when your motive to make someone laugh is to make them think you are hilarious, you miss the point of making them laugh to let them be happy.


Clearheadedness - I need to be smooth, talk gently without flaw. "Showing anger if my pride is hurt will only make me look flawed". So in order to stop that weakness my head has to stay calm, clear. Not a bad attribute unless your motive is to appear invulnerable and without weakness. When that becomes the situation your problems must stay within. If you can't appear vulnerable, you sure as hell can't talk about what makes you vulnerable.

Intellect and need to be right about everything - They go hand-in-hand. I have to be That guy. The one everybody looks up to. He has any hard topic answered with wise answers. He knows so much! He has interesting things to talk about, and can keep an amazing conversation.

Fear/ Badassery - Also go pretty much hand-in-hand. "Oh, you don't like the sweet side of me? Well there is a bad boy that you have no idea about" My own fear of being someone whose self cannot meet the exceptions, that i assume, someone has about how mysterious i am/should be; is the true intention of this one. So, i instill fear into a guy that doubts me, or belittles my pride. Or i show off how badass i can be to an unsuspecting girl through stories or having a quick wit against someones joke that hit a nerve in me. (lame, eh?) "Man, that guy just doesn't take shit!" or "Oh man, i wish i could just know what he's thinking, he seems so deep"


Sex appeal - I want to make men envious, and girls swoon. I want to be noticed.


Open-mindedness - I think Everyone should be open-minded. Whether in the face of religion (or lack of), opinions, and criticism. It challenges, shapes and refines while giving unbiased perspectives. 
However, this isn't for a purposes of actually being open-minded (Pa-leeease) Its, of course to show that i can be open-minded. That i'm free and willing, while still holding my values close. "He's so perfect and dreamy and doesn't judge me" 

Seeing a pattern?

So, to include or just top off these "traits" i buy hip, but "unique" (whatever that means anymore) clothes, or make a point or symbol with items like watches or wristbands. Maybe some toned muscles? 

There it is, my front. Now i try very, very hard to not use this front. And it truly comes  from

Insecurities

that i find in myself. A deep rooted idea that i am not good enough. When i build walls up in fear and false comfort to keep people from seeing the "true" me. That comes with flaws, and ideas that people may not like or appreciate, love that people might not except, stories people probably won't enjoy, and reaching out when getting burned as a very real possibility.

It's in all of us.

"Am i good enough?"

 You may not have a front, you may have moved beyond the fear i'm talking about. Or you haven't even tried a front for being just being so paralyzed with fright. Maybe you're in the same boat i am.

Trying to break free of this.

We all long for a community, a family, love, and the risk of those things are huge. It puts our values and hearts far beyond any walls we can put up


but the risk is so worth it.
There is beauty
and passion
and love 
and hope
and contentment
and peace 
with everyone that we extend ourselves to. Getting burned makes us forget that. And causes front's or large levels of incontrovertibly that leave you sulking and discontent.  Thinking that you don't belong, "fine then, fuck it" is a usual term when someone hurts me and makes me sink back into that comfortable, but lonely hole in my chest.

We Crave community. We need it. Without it, we lose ourselves. It doesn't matter who you are or what you believe in, you would be lying if you said you didn't miss one person, or want/need affection, or would appreciate someone to at least wake up to in the morning, or have friends to go do whatever in the hell sounds fun at the time. People challenge us, they build us up, we share ourselves and intertwine feelings and opinions into each other.
We want Love. And love wants us.
When i want it, i use my front. When something like my humor or looks get put down the dominoes fall in quick succession. I feel insecure, stupid and whatever else that comes along with it. It's such an instable part of me that it will never last.
To have something that truly does, i need the sincere part of me.

The truly authentic part of me that loves without obligation, that doesn't need flirts from equally insecure women, that doesn't need to prove himself to other guys, that doesn't need to be anything more than himself. That loves with the passion from my own heart and from a God that fills it. That is what i strive for.

But it's hard, it's very hard.


This post is a bit long, and i'll end with this;

  For me, God is the essence of Love itself. 
When i disconnect myself from sincere love and replace it with this fake facade, i don't truly feel love. When i don't feel loved, i find it very, very hard to love in return.
Which makes me perfect my front. "Maybe this time i'll feel something." 
"Hmm, not enough people got the impression that im funny, ill have to try harder" 
I adopt a line of insecurities from the fact that my front just doesn't work as well as i want it to. So hitting on a girl, so that i can feel better, handsome, witty is a current occasion. 

Leaving me nothing in the end


When i eat my pride and take a deep long look at myself, like now, i see God. I see His love for me, and oh how i long for it.
I let myself go, and take up His love, and Sincerely let it show through me into others.
Something amazing happens. I become peaceful. Selfless. And most of all, loving.
I find hope, a love for minuscule things, contentment, stability, the ability to only be interested in one girl because of how amazing she is, and not many because i somehow need the attention.

If you are a believer, i encourage you to let yourself go. Find the love and beauty in God and let loose into the freedom that it all brings.

If you don't believe, i encourage you to find love in others and not yourself.

Look deep into yourself and figure out what unauthentic traits you have, and diminish them. They're worthless and harmful.