Dissections

 I am discontent when i have to explain my discontentment. Why? Because it leads to a much bigger problem within me, one that has always lingered. 

 Now, i constantly live with a front. This front is full of these things;
Constant kindness
Confidence
High self-esteem
Humor
Clearheadedness
Intellect
Full of answers

Along with these, i try and add a hint of these;
Fear
Badass/ Badboy qualities
Intentional sex appeal
Open-mindedness


The accessories i use to finish off this front;
Hipster look
Glasses that give me a sharp, yet smart look
perfect hair
Strength

If you care to read on, i think ill go ahead and explain the problems within these things. Not all of them are bad qualities, in fact most are good. I'll explain as i go into the intent for this front.
 My "Front", being the face i put on for anyone i try to impress, has to be especially perfect. If it has flaws, how will i be different? Or impressive? Or how will someone love me? Or want to hang out? How can i have security and stability in myself without these things? Will people accept me?

Constant Kindness - This is a quality i think everyone should strive for. The problem comes when it becomes surface, and not from the heart. When your sole intention for kindness is to impress someone to better yourself, it becomes a twisted, faux love.

Humor- Apparently, to Marilyn Monroe, if you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything. There is a power in that happiness, the charm that comes along with it. When it is the key to your front, or any part really, it is essential when talking to people (mainly women). The problem, like kindness, is when your motive to make someone laugh is to make them think you are hilarious, you miss the point of making them laugh to let them be happy.


Clearheadedness - I need to be smooth, talk gently without flaw. "Showing anger if my pride is hurt will only make me look flawed". So in order to stop that weakness my head has to stay calm, clear. Not a bad attribute unless your motive is to appear invulnerable and without weakness. When that becomes the situation your problems must stay within. If you can't appear vulnerable, you sure as hell can't talk about what makes you vulnerable.

Intellect and need to be right about everything - They go hand-in-hand. I have to be That guy. The one everybody looks up to. He has any hard topic answered with wise answers. He knows so much! He has interesting things to talk about, and can keep an amazing conversation.

Fear/ Badassery - Also go pretty much hand-in-hand. "Oh, you don't like the sweet side of me? Well there is a bad boy that you have no idea about" My own fear of being someone whose self cannot meet the exceptions, that i assume, someone has about how mysterious i am/should be; is the true intention of this one. So, i instill fear into a guy that doubts me, or belittles my pride. Or i show off how badass i can be to an unsuspecting girl through stories or having a quick wit against someones joke that hit a nerve in me. (lame, eh?) "Man, that guy just doesn't take shit!" or "Oh man, i wish i could just know what he's thinking, he seems so deep"


Sex appeal - I want to make men envious, and girls swoon. I want to be noticed.


Open-mindedness - I think Everyone should be open-minded. Whether in the face of religion (or lack of), opinions, and criticism. It challenges, shapes and refines while giving unbiased perspectives. 
However, this isn't for a purposes of actually being open-minded (Pa-leeease) Its, of course to show that i can be open-minded. That i'm free and willing, while still holding my values close. "He's so perfect and dreamy and doesn't judge me" 

Seeing a pattern?

So, to include or just top off these "traits" i buy hip, but "unique" (whatever that means anymore) clothes, or make a point or symbol with items like watches or wristbands. Maybe some toned muscles? 

There it is, my front. Now i try very, very hard to not use this front. And it truly comes  from

Insecurities

that i find in myself. A deep rooted idea that i am not good enough. When i build walls up in fear and false comfort to keep people from seeing the "true" me. That comes with flaws, and ideas that people may not like or appreciate, love that people might not except, stories people probably won't enjoy, and reaching out when getting burned as a very real possibility.

It's in all of us.

"Am i good enough?"

 You may not have a front, you may have moved beyond the fear i'm talking about. Or you haven't even tried a front for being just being so paralyzed with fright. Maybe you're in the same boat i am.

Trying to break free of this.

We all long for a community, a family, love, and the risk of those things are huge. It puts our values and hearts far beyond any walls we can put up


but the risk is so worth it.
There is beauty
and passion
and love 
and hope
and contentment
and peace 
with everyone that we extend ourselves to. Getting burned makes us forget that. And causes front's or large levels of incontrovertibly that leave you sulking and discontent.  Thinking that you don't belong, "fine then, fuck it" is a usual term when someone hurts me and makes me sink back into that comfortable, but lonely hole in my chest.

We Crave community. We need it. Without it, we lose ourselves. It doesn't matter who you are or what you believe in, you would be lying if you said you didn't miss one person, or want/need affection, or would appreciate someone to at least wake up to in the morning, or have friends to go do whatever in the hell sounds fun at the time. People challenge us, they build us up, we share ourselves and intertwine feelings and opinions into each other.
We want Love. And love wants us.
When i want it, i use my front. When something like my humor or looks get put down the dominoes fall in quick succession. I feel insecure, stupid and whatever else that comes along with it. It's such an instable part of me that it will never last.
To have something that truly does, i need the sincere part of me.

The truly authentic part of me that loves without obligation, that doesn't need flirts from equally insecure women, that doesn't need to prove himself to other guys, that doesn't need to be anything more than himself. That loves with the passion from my own heart and from a God that fills it. That is what i strive for.

But it's hard, it's very hard.


This post is a bit long, and i'll end with this;

  For me, God is the essence of Love itself. 
When i disconnect myself from sincere love and replace it with this fake facade, i don't truly feel love. When i don't feel loved, i find it very, very hard to love in return.
Which makes me perfect my front. "Maybe this time i'll feel something." 
"Hmm, not enough people got the impression that im funny, ill have to try harder" 
I adopt a line of insecurities from the fact that my front just doesn't work as well as i want it to. So hitting on a girl, so that i can feel better, handsome, witty is a current occasion. 

Leaving me nothing in the end


When i eat my pride and take a deep long look at myself, like now, i see God. I see His love for me, and oh how i long for it.
I let myself go, and take up His love, and Sincerely let it show through me into others.
Something amazing happens. I become peaceful. Selfless. And most of all, loving.
I find hope, a love for minuscule things, contentment, stability, the ability to only be interested in one girl because of how amazing she is, and not many because i somehow need the attention.

If you are a believer, i encourage you to let yourself go. Find the love and beauty in God and let loose into the freedom that it all brings.

If you don't believe, i encourage you to find love in others and not yourself.

Look deep into yourself and figure out what unauthentic traits you have, and diminish them. They're worthless and harmful.