Burn me down

   I find it embarrassing how passionate i am. My dad isn't like that, he's just chill about everything. I don't want that, but just sometimes it would be nice. My mom is just a bit spazzy most of the time. And my brother runs on complete instinct. Which is dangerous and hilarious. But how did i end up the emotional one? I thought about joining the marines once to avoid a soft heart. Maybe some discipline and killing would be good for a young man? It was short lived. I couldn't kill someone without turning into a fleshy statue.
   I guess it just sucks because when i'm angry, i get Really angry. Sure i get ticked off every once in a while, but contentment is my usual emotion. Not many people have seen me angry, which is wonderful. I'll never forget going to dinner with Adrienne, raw knuckled from the night before when i let loose on my punching bag for anything i had kept inside. We ate dinner with her grandma that night, first time i had ever met her... blood seeping through bandages. She had a hard time warming up to me.
   One time my dad came downstairs to find me after a particularly bad night and i was just getting after it, punch after punch. He sat me down and said the he was afraid of me. My stomach flipped at that. He was scared at what i could and would do to someone if i didn't control myself.. It calmed me down straight away. I never want to hear him say that again. I felt so.. ugh, i don't even know. But it actually scared me as well. I don't want to be that son, or that person really.
   I feel the anger welling up in my soul, and i am having a hard time not exploding at people and telling them exactly what i think of their snide remarks. Or Katie. After everything i've done for her, and then her power trip and disrespect, ALL the time. "How about you take your stupid diet carrots and shove them in your mouth! Will that quite yo' bitchin?!" (to be read in gangsta voice)
Man, i have had such a peaceful and joyous three months, i want to cling as long as i can. But i did ask God for challenges. And God does answer prayers...
   I know the only reason im feeling anger is because i have been thinking about myself. And when you feel entitled to things, and careless of others, walls are built and grudges and bitterness and are fit inside. I just need to get over myself lately. Which is easy currently, i have someone to care for. Someone that absolutely deserves it. And, i don't have anything to feel sorry about... so maybe ill just go eat some more whip cream.

"Until i become one with the salt in the sea
       I will stand up straight
And let you roll right into me"
   

God, i miss you. I miss thinking of you. I miss being in awe. I miss the warmth you have to offer, and the logic you bring to get through things. Let me come back to you, and let go of myself. Break me down, and mold me back unto the shape of your love.