Candles are Fragile

   I wanted to call up a friend today and ask her why she believes there is a God. Before going through this phase, she was pretty opened minded, with parents that, i assume, didn't force a religion on her. She is still open-minded in a way that allows a person to be, while still being confident in their beliefs. Although i always wondered why she chose to believe.
   Mostly, i wanted to rekindle some flame in my heart that had been burnt out from a life of living for God. Not that living for God is a bad thing, but my envy is constructed from seeing the excitement for God, and love, possibly in a general hope i still have a hard time explaining in words, that seems to be set in to every new believer. Even for the general spiritualists that have undergone some traumatic life scenario, close death, or near death experience themselves. They all have this light that illuminates out of their words, actions. You can see the glow in their eyes.
   I hardly have the strength to ignite my own light within. I have been doing the best i can, slipping up here and there, knowing those mistakes are forgiven, and then dredging on to again live the life of someone who thinks their morals and values of love for another will somehow benefit the world.
   I used to wish, sometimes even pray (i realize how horrible this is) that something dreadful would happen to me, or my family, or anything that would inspire me to have the mentality of a new Christian. Right now i just don't care as much. It comes in waves though, like tomorrow i will probably want to go chill with homeless people like i used to. This wish was usually created when God seemed to be absence, an underlying problem i had without God. I needed something to focus people back on me. I have a problem doing things that don't benefit me in some way, or even if i did something anonymous i would at least get a "good feeling". But i have done only a few things in my life solely for another's benefit.
    To put it bluntly, im selfish. Whoa! Crazy. Aren't we all huh?
Maybe what i had loved so much, and that really inspired me about God was life without selfishness. The few times that i was in a mindset to enjoy people's happiness, and not bring the focus back on mine were some of the truly happiest moments of my life.
  But i digress.

The last week has been amazeballs! I just got back from a conference in St. Louis, MO. The conference was pretty good. Sometime next year, a movie called Mystery of Matter will come out, we took the movie idea (after meeting one of the PBS station producers) and came up with ideas to further our science museums. They picked ten museums from around the US, which made me feel pretty badass. Anyways, other then getting to see their amazing museum and putting together sweet demos that made things blow up and change color, we got back to our *Paid for* hotel. Pretty nice yo. I mean, you know it's nice when your $75 room credit is spent on two meals and the elevator talks to you.
So apart from that, my days have been really chill. Im inspired to go teach science to kids and im content with where i'm going lately. Oh AND a friend of mine is going to fulfill a wish from my bucketlist. - Bearded candle. Ohhh yes.